Dreaming

Forgiving you this time would make me an idiot

I just wish the thought of being your idiot didn't still cross my mind

All I ever wanted to be for so long was for yours

You asked me one night 

What I wanted to be when I grew up

I was scared to tell you my answer

Bc my answer was simple

My answer was: yours 

My biggest dream I could dream was being worthy of the love you laid upon me

My biggest dream was to be yours 

Was.

It is no longer.

Bc we are no longer.

There is no we.

There is just me.

Alone bc you didn't want to be my biggest dream

You didn't want to wait until I grew up to be what I wanted

So you didn't.

Asking for forgiveness is asking me rearrange my dream for you

But how do I fall back into bliss and recreate my dream with her in it? 

Forgiving you would make me an idiot

And I don't want to be an idiot

And I don't want to be yours 

I'm falling back asleep

And waking up with a new dream

Heartless

I'm trying to locate the anger within my heart

But I can no longer find my heart

Blown to pieces too microscopic it's no longer there

Anger would be so easy, a safe place for me to bury my tears

But now all I feel is the aching emptiness of my whole being 

An emptiness that I attempted to claw my way out of until my fingernails were caked with blood of my effort 

My effort to love you despite the blinding pain that begged me not to

But now here I am

Standing on my street devoid of life at this time 

The wind tickling my skin the way you once did

The stars smiling down on me the way you once did 

The moon whispering sweet lies of peace like you once did

But will never do again 

For you took my innocent forgiveness and corrupted it worse than any kiss I ever gave you did 

You took my raw, beating, broken heart and handed it to her 

Bestowing it onto her as a kiss 

You seduced your way into my soul with your words 

And gave them to her out of spite

Anger would be so easy 

But I find no anger

I can't find anything anymore

My soul is a deep abyss 

Leading to the where my heart should be

Home

I feel suffocated in my own home

The hostility and bitterness clouds the air like pollution

Filling our lungs and our hearts 

Until the dinner table is silent except for silverware scraping the plates

And moms heavy sighs 

I can feel dads eye roll from three seats away

Their voices only sound like gunshots

The crack no longer makes me flinch

It's the new normal

Like global warming

We all just accept it

At first we tried little things to fix it

But the blame that was placed cannot be taken away

The unhappiness that circles the table cannot be erased 

I hold back the tears that want to erupt angrily from my eyes 

I bite my lip to keep from screaming 

I keep quiet 

To stay loved 

Silently planning my escape from the hell I was born into 

Seventeen Friends

Seventeen

Girls offer you a hand over a table full of knives 

Take her hand

Risk being stabbed

But you will always take the risk

In hopes that she'll walk around the table 

And prove the stereotypes wrong

So months pass

And laughs are shared over champagne glasses 

And tears are shed into vodka bottles over boys 

And boys are tangled into sheets that only one can remember

Secrets are whispered hesitantly 

Laying in the air among the two 

Until the knives become too enticing for one

And blood is spilled in the form of ugly words

With each word another knife is bloodied

Until the table is empty

And your trust is gone

You don't want to cry 

You don't want to admit it hurt

But now you drink vodka alone

And no one remembers the boy who tangled your sheets 

And your secrets only eat you alive at night

Bc you gave all your trust away

And now it's laying on the floor as your own blood

Rereading

Our story is starting to become a novel

Of repetition

We only write the same words

So many times before they lose meaning

I love you

I love you

I love you

I love you

Suddenly it's nothing 

I feel nothing

No, wait

I am scared

You were suppose to be the ending

To my thriller

But you keep trying to tear out pages

That you no longer like

But the ink cannot be erased

And neither can my tears

Or the cracks in my heart that spell out your name in the most beautiful handwriting

But

I miss you

I miss you 

I miss you

I miss you

I miss you

I miss feeling 

And hearing the need in my voice 

For your hand to be in mine

Now I pull away

Because we've already written that chapter

And now I know how it ends

A novel can only be a best seller once

We had our fifteen minutes

Time to close the book

Can't keep rereading the happy times 

Now they lack meaning

Now they're past tense

I loved you

I missed you

But I'm writing a new book

And it's not a sequel

Rereading

Our story is starting to become a novel

Of repetition

We only write the same words

So many times before they lose meaning

I love you

I love you

I love you

I love you

Suddenly it's nothing 

I feel nothing

No, wait

I am scared

You were suppose to be the ending

To my thriller

But you keep trying to tear out pages

That you no longer like

But the ink cannot be erased

And neither can my tears

Or the cracks in my heart that spell out your name in the most beautiful handwriting

But

I miss you

I miss you 

I miss you

I miss you

I miss you

I miss feeling 

And hearing the need in my voice 

For your hand to be in mine

Now I pull away

Because we've already written that chapter

And now I know how it ends

A novel can only be a best seller once

We had our fifteen minutes

Time to close the book

Can't keep rereading the happy times 

Now they lack meaning

Now they're past tense

I loved you

I missed you

But I'm writing a new book

And it's not a sequel